FIRST PUBLISHED NOVEMBER 1, 2000

Below are sophomoric questions that James Crotty and John Kennedy would have asked at Tuesday night's Town Hall Meeting in St. Louis, Missouri.

CROTTY: Governor Bush, you are a child of a mediocre former President. You've been described as a frat boy, a party boy, a cokehead, someone who probably didn't qualify for Yale or Harvard, but got in because of his family's wealth and connections. And you are, according to friends, someone who didn't study very hard while at either institution. While I am sure these characterizations seem grossly unfair (God knows, if this is what your Skull and Crossbones buddies say, you'd hate to hear what your enemies think), you come across to many Americans as a coaster, a mid-brow dolt, someone who depends mightily on the help of those far smarter. Sir, can you answer these questions about your character and assure the American people that a rich white legacy boy from Texas has any clue about the needs and struggles of America's working families?

CROTTY: Vice President Gore, a recent survey found that people being treated for high anxiety found you a terrifyingly abrupt, robotic, overamped, childish, emotionally immature, inconsiderate know-it-all who doesn't know when to stop. If these claims are true, what would you do as President to redress these gross imbalances in your character?

CROTTY: Governor Bush, can you describe your first experience snorting powdered cocaine? And who sold it to you? And do you think there should be a wide discrepancy in sentencing between those found guilty of using powdered cocaine and those found guilty of using crack cocaine?

CROTTY: Vice-President Gore, you said your wife Tipper pioneered warning labels on records after your daughter brought home a record whose lyrics Tipper either found intrinsically objectionable or upset her lithium balance. Are you aware that teenagers deliberately buy records with warning labels?

CROTTY: Governor Bush, be honest now, is Dick Cheney human? If so, how long do you think he will live?

CROTTY: Vice President Gore, was "the kiss" overcompensation for "the lisp?"

Gentlemen, my former personal assistant/review book salesman, and now far more successful media mogul, the esteemed John Kennedy of JKennedy@Unstrung.com, has two further questions.

KENNEDY: Governor Bush, after delivering a well-rehearsed punch-line or put-down your eyes seem to dimly glow and you raise your top lip slightly to show your upper teeth in a nearly feral snarl. However unpleasant you look, it appears you think you have said something humorous. As it is obvious the comment doesn't make you really laugh, do you do this: a) as a signal to the audience that THEY should laugh; b) because your advisors have told you the line is funny but you don't really get it; c) because this is how you looked when you gave nerds at Yale -- not unlike nerdy Al Gore -- wedgies and watched other fraternity members hump fuzzy four-legged animals?

KENNEDY: Vice President Gore, how will you make the American people understand the subtlety that will be needed during the next four years as President -- that Governor Bush's large tax cut, strict anti-abortion line, Taft-like isolationism, and guns-for-everyone promises are too simplistic for our global culture -- when you are the least subtle person on the planet?

Thank you gentlemen. This does it for the initial round of Unpleasant Truths.